I have been very conscious that I have not updated my blog recently, and this evening I have been reflecting on events that have happened in my life over the last couple of weeks. Sometimes, life simply gets in the way and before you know it weeks have passed and that time has gone in a flash!
I hadn’t written anything, as not much had really happened in the way of events to attend or socialising. The last few weeks have been spent at home in the main and partially because I have been a little ‘under the weather’.
A week ago Thursday I had new guests arrive in the apartment, a really lovely couple from Germany. Again, the weather was not behaving and they arrived to grey skies and intermittent downpours. They were totally un-phased by the wet stuff as they were relieved to swap their much colder country for a milder climate for a couple of weeks. They were both stunned by the visual beauty of the island already and now they are verging on the end of their holiday, their spirits are still high and seem to be happy and settled and enjoying their time here.
The same weekend they arrived, I unwittingly upset a friend which completely dampened my own spirits whilst another friend came to visit whose spirits were also low, but we put our time to good use by vegging out, watching movies and sinking a few bottles of plonk and chatting into the wee hours of the night analyzing each of our woes and the meaning of friendships or rather the complications of them and by Monday we had both unclogged our stuffy brains and went back to our own lives. But unfortunately for me, despite feeling better in myself, my body decided it didn’t want to behave and I suffered quite a severe anxiety attack, which left me spending the rest of the week in bed as it made me feel so unwell as a result.
By the Wednesday I really started to worry, as when I get anxiety attacks, I take a pill (the doctor prescribed for my condition which thankfully doesn’t happen very often) and rest and usually I am OK by the next day, but my chest pains continued along with the dizziness, so I decided before I would venture into Casualty (and by now convinced that I was having or had had a minor heart attack), went off to the chemist to get my blood pressure checked, thinking that if that wasn’t ok, then something was wrong. The chemist lady said it was a little high, not at all concerned that my heart felt like it was being held in a vice and sent me home to take more of my pills!
By Friday I was getting frustrated, although I was feeling a lot better, the situation with my friend who I had upset hadn’t changed and it had been playing on my mind as well all week. Emails started to be exchanged mid week on a light note and back to business but little snarks in them were bothering me. I held our writers group that day which went very well, setting a challenge for everyone, where we built two characters, chose a genre, then came up with a very quick plot, then swapped them so that we now have to go off and write someone else’s story based on that challenge. I am really looking forward to what the group come up with for next month on that. That same evening my friend who stayed the weekend before, came over again for this weekend as that friend had had a rough week and their spirits were very low again. I welcomed the company as I started to feel unwell again and I am so glad I did have company this weekend, as the friend who I was having problems with wrote me an incredibly mean, hurtful and immature email and as a result of it, have decided to cut that friendship dead.
We spent the weekend drowning our sorrows together as we were very much in the same frame of mind, but for totally different reasons and I think we both achieved a little bit of soul healing by that process. When one is upset and hurting it really is n’t good to spend that time alone, and I am thank full to my friend who was there for me, as I was to them when we both needed to be consoled. Friendship can be such a wonderful thing when you have the right friend in your life who gets you and you can reciprocate in the same way. To have that patience to listen and also know that the other person also has that same patience, where you can be open and understood and they can to you. Receive advice and even take it without being offended when its advice one doesn’t like, knowing that it is meant with honesty and integrity and most of all without judgement. It is a rare commodity to find and one I truly value. So my thanks to my friend, who knows who you are!
So having been unwell this week and a little more than worried that there was something more serious than an anxiety attack, I trotted off to the doctor today for an MOT. I was staggered to find out that it has been 5 years since my last visit. He took my blood pressure which thankfully is normal and I had an ECG and very relieved to find that my heart is in very good working order! I have to be back at the doc’s tomorrow morning at 8.30am in Funchal for Blood tests…..which is a challenge in itself. This list of what is going to be checked is incredibly long, so I think I am getting a full blood work analyses. I have been sent home with another prescription for my happy pills and told to keep taking them until the results are back. I feel a little better already today, knowing that my one vital organ – my heart, is working normally – even if my psychological one isn’t. But time will heal that eventually.
I am also tinged with a little sadness as well as relief, in that I also resigned my post as Chair to the M3A. Given the sad demise of the now dead in the water friendship it would have been impossible to continue that role working alongside that person. The sad part is that is has affected the association although it was not connected. The rumour mill will take a hold eventually and no doubt people will jump to conclusions and I only hope the integrity of the M3A is not blamed as the reason of conflict. I wanted to step away quickly to avoid that, so that the plans could remain in place with as little disruption as possible. I enjoyed being a part of it for the short time that I was, but now its time to move on to new things, stay out of the way for a while until the dust settles.
I must admit though, it was a hard choice to write this blog this evening, for fear of reprisal or criticism hence why I have not mentioned any names and for those who do not know me intimately will have no assumptions as to who I am talking about, which in this case are the majority of my readers. But I set this blog up for me, to be a record of my own personal experiences and to share them and easier to a faceless and somewhat anonymous world. Sometimes one has to get things off ones chest or write about them as I am doing now and it is an integral part of the healing process especially when one is upset.
This post is entered into such an aptly named category of ‘day to day rubbish’ as that is what it is in reality, but it is my rubbish and that’s all it is today!