It’s my birthday today. But it’s cancelled. I just can’t face it and cannot cope with the idea it entails. Instead of waking up this morning to a loving family who wanted to cook me breakfast and take me out for a walk, I shut myself away…got myself into a state and haven’t stopped crying since I opened my eyes this morning. I was the same yesterday and the day before that. They have gone off for the walk and I am still sitting here moping, trying to pull my shit together.

Yesterday morning I recognised that I was having a melt down and realising that I needed some help, contacted my doctor. I haven’t seen one for depression in years, because I have always been able to deal with it myself. This is far beyond anything I can deal with now. I had a long chat with her (through my tears and frustration), she left me for 5 minutes to talk to another professional about my case, agreeing that I was indeed on the edge. Yes, I could have some antidepressants, but I would need to wait till Monday after another chat with her. But over the weekend she suggested I contact mental health services and do myself a referral. She sent me a link to the website. I came off the phone feeling really pissed off, because one of the reasons I couldn’t have the pills now, was because I was in crisis. I bloody know I’m in crisis, that is WHY I contacted the doctor.

I took a look at the website and didn’t bother to do anything with it….I have to make contact, I have to ask again, I have to use an impersonal interface. I have been abandoned by the NHS for the weekend. She thinks I’m suicidal, so I am told to go to a website to deal with it. If I could stop crying, I would be laughing at the irony of yet another bullshit situation.

And this is how we now deal with mental health. It’s so fucked up, is it any wonder that the suicide rate right now has rocketed?

I can’t help but ask who is to blame…..if I do myself in, obviously my family would be gutted, but then there would be questions….and then the anger and then the feeling of helplessness, because it would have been needless (if I didn’t get given the help). So who do my family sue, who do they hold accountable? I am strong enough in mind to hold out till Monday, but I know that lots of people in my position aren’t as strong as me. They teeter on that precipice of complete misery, and although I am there, I do have a loving family that supports me, even when I am rejecting them at the moment. They are the reason I resist the urge to jump off a cliff.

I could spout a million reasons why I am in the state I am in, and although I keep counting my blessings it really doesn’t stop that awful pain of hopelessness. I am in limbo with a life I can’t get back to, because the bods in charge are obstructing this. I have no purpose and have become a wandering nomad stuck in a country that won’t allow me to leave. This entire debacle we are all in has affected everybody in their each individual ways, so I really can’t single myself as an exception. But I have had enough of the bullshit, I really have.

So, the point is, this. We are failing our mentally ill. If I am struggling and have to visit a website when a doctor recognises that their patient (me) has reached crisis point…..how the hell is anyone else getting any proper help? That reaction is enough to tip anyone over the edge…..and has made me even more fucking angry.

But of course, let us not forget we are in a pandemic with a super deadly virus on the loose. Maybe the end game is for us all to kill ourselves if that virus or having the jab doesn’t do it…..we keep being told that our problem is an over populated planet…come on governments, why not gas us all instead. Then no one has to continue putting up with the long suffering misery they have forced upon us.

What’s the point in mental health services? There isn’t any!